Mein Führer-ious Orgy

Formula One president Max Mosley getting busy in a Nazi-themed S & M orgy with five prostitutes—by the way, it reportedly lasted five hours—is the juiciest story since the Spitzer scandal.

First of all, how much Viagra and Levitra is a sixty-seven-year-old popping to keep his guitar "strumable" for five hours? Fistfuls of pills? Bottles? Fifty-five-gallon drums? Does he wash said pills down with prune juice or Maalox?

Second, who combines prostitutes with reenacting the unknowable hell of an SS death camp? That's five circles and a square peg. It's incongruous. Mosley should have considered other sensitive themes: The Last Supper; 9/11; any Kennedy assassination ("Oh, yeah! I'm about to shoot some magic bullets!"); Hurricane Katrina ("You'll leave the Superdome when I say you can leave! Now play with my berries").

Third, has any trollop anywhere heard of Nazi Germany, Hitler, Eichmann, Auschwitz, or the Third Reich? Hookers aren't Oxford-educated. They're not educated, period. In high school, they were turning tricks instead of reading My Ántonia. They think Falstaff is a risky sexual position. A hooker with a GED, or one without a social disease, is as rare as the Ghost Orchid. There isn't a dirty pross on the planet who could make heads or tails of this sentence: "All right, I'm gonna teabag you until I bruise both your eye sockets." (Now in a playful voice.) "Here come the panzers."

Note: I don't call hookers "call girls." It's showing them undue respect and giving their sordid profession a touch of class. Forget that. These women, okay, these soulless, icky tarts have about as much cred on the streets as Air America has on the airwaves.

My friends and I had an interesting back-and-forth on this iniquitous tale. Some of our one-liners:

"Watch it, you whore, or else I'll go all Josef Mengele on your ass."

"No mention of Eva Braun, I'm out."

"The man is delusional if he thinks this type of stuff still flies in the world today."

"He's like Dr. Strangelove, only different. 'I can cum!'"

The Nazis hated and exterminated Jews but they loved money and treasure just as much. Prostitutes love money and heroin and crack. I guess you could say that the Nazis were prostitutes for genocide. Ah, Nazis and prostitutes. The lines of distinction between the two blur significantly, leaving them indistinguishable, except when SS lieutenants have black-and-blue eyes or brownshirts have noticeable stains.