If you have a law degree but can't write coherently, satisfactorily, or cogently for that matter, I have to excoriate you. I must—especially when you're running for the Nebraska legislature! (Note: I refuse to capitalize "legislature." Sue me.) There's no gray area here. You're supposed to be educated. You're supposed to be more than an empty suit and a three-dollar haircut. Get your act together.
His name is Brent Smoyer. We went to the same high school; he was a year below me. While a genial fellow, he was an unpopular goof. Plays, choirs, and musicals occupied his time, not that there's anything wrong with that. He was the most ungainly football player ever. One gasser would leave him wheezing like a geriatric without an oxygen mask. He'd jog out to practice, and his face would already be as red as a maraschino cherry. His car? An Oldsmobile that looked like a beige outhouse. I mention this to highlight the fact that he failed to relate to anyone then. Toss in the nugget that people don't normally change drastically. So how's he supposed to relate to the populace now?
He's chasing a fairy tale and losing ground.
It's as clear as day: Besides being a wannabe, he's just another callow, jerkwater politico, albeit one with the language skills of Danny Bonaduce.
His error-strewn "Issues" page:
www.brentsmoyer.com/Issues.html
What is this dross? And it is dross. Is it a first draft?
It's redundant. It's schlocky. It's infantile from alpha to omega. It's categorically boring. Where's the flair? You have a law degree, and this pabulum is you putting your best foot forward? Forget that. You're not earning, or getting, my vote. You're earning my contempt. This isn't quantum physics. How can you sleep at night? Reproach yourself this instant!
(I'll forgo adding a [sic] to all of his oversights. There'd be far too many of them. They'd bog down the writing. I'll just get it out of the way: [sic].)
Ever heard of a hyphen? No? Okay. Didn't think so. "Ever growing need"? "High caliber universities"? "Well being"? Dude, it's a blasted noun. Hyphenate it already! That is sad and pathetic. Hemingway was a drunk who ate a load of buckshot but he respected and employed the hyphen. Correctly using a hyphen can be a gratifying experience. But I'm talking jabberwocky right now, aren't I? Hyphen. Hy-phen. Not hymen. Hyphen.
Understand the rules of a period? Nope? Not surprising. Here's a free lesson: Always, always, always, always, always, always place a period (or a comma) inside the quotation mark. Is "always" too vague for you? Too ambiguous? The Unabomber was a deranged (and violent) stargazer but he cared about his manifesto's grammaticality. He cared. Why don't you? Hmmm, perhaps I'll cast a write-in vote for Teddy Bear Kaczynski.
Here's you: "family".
Here's me: I'm now flaccid.
Here's civilized society: "family."
"Nebraskan" is singular. "Their" is plural. "Child"? Singular. "Them"? Plural. "Them" cannot refer to "child" and "their" cannot refer to "Nebraskan," yet you nonchalantly do it. Repeatedly. Interminably. Strangely. Unprofessionally. Vexingly. Is it pathological? It's as if you think the—what you see as negligible—difference between singular and plural is pure semantics reserved for stuffy grammarians in ivory towers. Are you ignorant or just careless?
Did you write this tripe or did one of your surrogates, say a toddler on the refrigerator door with crayons?
Looks like someone skipped remedial English many summers ago to put on a fantabulous rendition of Guys and Dolls at the Piccadilly Dinner Theatre. I hope you enjoyed your curtain call. It was surely your last.
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3 comments:
In the issues section of Brent's webpage he should only have one word. That word is grammar. Where did he go to law school so I know what university I need to get shut down?
Poor sap. He's probably wondering why his site is receiving so much web traffic today. I was thinking about it and I figured out what his prose reminded me of-- It resembles a paper you had to write in 2nd year Spanish and your Spanish language skill set included only nouns, verbs, adjectives and past and present tense.
Le gusta la musica rock? Si, si me gusta.
Perhaps becoming elected into the legislature will finally get him laid.
Perhaps not.
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